Carnival By Natalie

Theres a carnival outside

But Im not fit to go 

My parents think i’m mad

How could they really know? 

There’s a carnival outside

I can hear it seeping in

There’s a carnival outside

I might loose my head as I go deeper in 

My parents think i’m mad 

and the carnival outside is calling to my soul  

And I hate to say that I think it might be the truth, 

that i’m just not okay

I used to think that it was life's cruel currents 

But it's me trying to survive in a sinking boat. 

And I can hardly breathe 

Now that i write and i think 

I feel like I can’t speak 

To the people who don’t see

Its getting harder to do things right 

I feel like my internal selves fight 

Im trying I don’t have much might 

But i’m starting to think that I might just….

I need to go,, somewhere far, 

Somewhere I can’t be read by your hearts

Somewhere I can learn who I am before you decide in your mind 

It's been a while since i've needed to sing 

And I realize i’m in a bit of misery 

And now I can finally breath 

I know where I am when I speak 

So now, I know, I just need to go 

Somewhere where I am not known 

Now there is more to show 

than this part of me that you and I have grown to know 

And so… I just need to fly 

Alone, let my find my home 

I need to need to leave you behind 

Because your linked to the side of me I don’t want to hold 

It pains me to see what i've done 

How good things turn bad 

How I’ve learned to shut out the sun 

There’s a carnival outside and I can’t seem to join 

There’s a carnival outside 

But I know I must to go 

;;;;

And I can’t look you in the eye 

Cause I have no energy to calculate the face I need to make for you to feel okay 

I feel trapped in a cage 

While you just watch me go insane 

I think that when I see you I might begin to cry, 

because all the things I've lost will suddenly be mine

I can't bare to hold the weight of your eyes

and the little care they hold

but there’s a carnival waiting for me outside 

A carnival that’s made for me 

Take me away from this misery

Allow for me to finally breathe 

Where everything that I am is seen 

And the crowds will cheer as they see 

This part of me that is my insanity

The elephants come in and lions roar, 

I will stand on the top of the floor

And then 

I will be free, I will be free, I will be free

This was written the month of June in 2023. I study anthropology and I write poetry to think and remember what my mind said to me one day like this entry-- if i forget who will remember?