By no surprise have I learned the wrath of desire, particularly manifested in the men who i have engaged with, the brutal way of being seen as something of their own imagination-- nothing of who you are, do they know to the slightest. The lips they imagine and the thighs they imagine to jack off, its no different if they are yours, they don't think of u as a human being, they think of you as their impeccable imagination granting them a physical stimulation. it is not you they seek, never is it you. everything you are and words you speak questions you ask are all hoops for them to jump through in order to get their dick wet. even if they don't finish or have the stamina, that doesn't matter- its power, and its not yours.
pardon. excuse my hatred. I can say that this is a manifestation of my cumulative hateful experiences of being used and uncared for. and then the decent ish guys, who try to be decent, end up clumping in with the shit heads cause they just do a hand-full of dushy things to make you feel like you are scum, nothing close to something they would care to comfort or love.
and here i am (10/14/24) currently crushing on a guy i'm idealizing in my head acting like i'm in love,
i let myself get lost a week longer. and now i think i'm ready to reign back into reality.
I understand to be loved is to be seen, i just have a hard time accepting how so many are not seen in our world today. How many children are dying from a genocide on the other half of the world we barely even know anything about.
I look at kids with such an intense envy. they can see briefly without the engrained parameters we eventually learn about society and knowledge and how things function. dreams are open ended. i mean before we start thinking about being a doctor or an astronaut, before you struggle to make friends in school and class- when things were a bit more simpler. where you didn't need to judge someone beside you but see them simply as a soul. someone adrift in this galaxy of a world your just beginning to know. you see them for the being that they are. the innocence of exploring together, looking at a leaf, the veins in it, then the insects lining up along the roots of the tree, an insect climbing up your knee.
I can not get myself to fathom the amount of killing that is going on on the other side of the world right now. (written 10/14/24)
The killing hasn't stopped. (10/7/2025) Its continuously ignored and justified in unfathomable ways. The relation this INCESSANT WAR has to LOVE and DISGUST is the way that our society allows for this type of male to have and own power over the world and it's women (not excluding fluid genders). The phenomenon of pedophilia, rape, and fucking people who are exotic--- its all the same bull shit that came when male dominance and WAR and POWER and SEX and DRUGS began to rule our patriarchal world in hedonism.
I will write a more referential piece on these thoughts in regard to the male dominating world and oppression of women, but this piece will mostly contain my initial writings after my horrible disgusted experiences with non-loving men on dating apps and off.
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(around march 2024)In memory of finding disgust when seeking love, i wrote these pieces as i reflected on my summer experiences of giving myself away to the wrong people: (written 6/21/24 -6/22/24)
I wonder how I exist in your mind.
How much of me you actually see.
How much you only want when you feel that certain way.
Then after your clarity you want nothing left to do with me.
Like a tissue, use me.
Kiss me all over
Don't look at me like that if your going to take it all away
When you get me you turn into a beast ready to devour
Not loving kisses on my neck but the strength and intention of marking me
Knowing that i will return to sleep with my mom who is waiting for me
Knowing that i will have to cover it
You must think i wear it proudly
But i have had to hide this thing you have given me
Not only that but i must resign from the idea of having you ever truly want me for me
Because it was clearly not something you felt
You just needed something to satisfy
You spoke of retirement and your salary after you had gotten what you wanted out of me, you fulfilled your prophecy of being an absolute asshole.
>>>>>.
At least I feel beautiful now. At least I was beautiful enough to you, for you to want me for just the moment
you did. For that I thank you, spitefully and harshly. Thank you for your charity work that you have done
oh so well which i know you are oh so proud of having accomplished the feat of making me feel desirable.
What a difficult thing for you to do, how i am oh so lucky to be loved by you given the fact that i am not
the typical type of beauty, for you are doing me a massive favor.
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<--(i called my sister crying and asked her this )Dont act like you don’t know what youve done.
I guess more so what you didn’t do,
Or simply what you stopped doing- of course only after youve gotten what you wanted
It was never me but my body
It was never my face but the girl
It was never my hands, u just used them to draw me in
You caught me. Successfully. You placed your bait and i was fooled to think you meant something other than it.
Cause every story always ends with a little less attention from you. Like suddenly you become distracted.
Like a child who got what they needed from you and is ready to walk away now and move on to the next thing.
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Recently i have understood how little i am worth.
Especially when i allow you to think so little of me.
How cruel for me to even let you get what you seek.
(2024)------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hilarious how much of myself i had to give away to realize how little i matter to people like you
We learn about it but we don't talk about it
That this culture of sex is corruptive and hurtful towards women
That porn is horrible and men are evil
(2024)"I wont ask" -- (Written 2/4/25)
I want to be in love
But I wont ask for you to love me
I like it when you show that you care
Even if its hidden behind desire to touch another person
At least its my heat you seek in this moment
>> I just don’t think it's driven by love it's innately driven by convenience, pleasure, or desire—and i'm accessible and provide immediate gratification
>>but he's loving it's tender but also it's not clear if that is love or just what you need to do to get what you want: comfort, warmth, another to hold, sex
I won’t ask for you to love me.
That would be probably the saddest thing I could do.
Its the way it can be derived from the nature of the code:
>> stay longer
> why?
>> spend more time together
> why?
me: to experience you and your thoughts intimately
you: ?????
>>>> outcome certainties: high desire, sex, condomless, cum injection, reflective conversation, uncertainty in the air, dysfunction, lack of thought telling (me)
>> come over to game night
> yes!
>> meet my friends
>>>> outcome certainties: met friends (couples), brought cookies, he bought pizza, his mom gave me champagne, played hide and seek, held hands during the movie, slept with me in the guest bed, came in me
> who am I to you?
>> what?
> what do I mean to you?
Of course I cant say this of course time tells but also what do I mean to you? It would help to know your feelings are quite shallow in the scheme of development, and the predictions u have for whether or not its possible to dive and feel more, or if you think you’ll just enjoy the waves at the surface, the wrestling with my movements if that’s what you like.
I need to know the limits of your love so I can be prepared.
You want to be with me sometimes at least I know this
but it could not particularly have anything to do with me this need for satisfaction.
it could be me
disregarding the mutuality? Is there any? Do you think so?
Did you cum in me because you want to marry me?
No
You once said you would just get up and leave
if I said I wouldn’t have sex unless you marry me first
I don’t think its that unreasonable
but it’s only a joke.
I want you to have a desire to explore me
I want you to crave me
I want you to miss me
I want you to value my existence
But I won’t ask. For who am I to teach such a thing— love?
( 10/7/2025) This poem i actually was so fed up, i just sat him down and read this poem to him. and he was like a deer in headlights, it was BLATANTLY clear he had not a single inkling of such wrongdoings on his end, he seemed as though he couldn't fathom this thought process even existing till i went ahead and read him such a grotesque and frankly sad poem.
he only paid half for the plan b, and i had to ask and say please. so not earnest.
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written (10/14/24)
As woman and as an aspiring 'anthropologist' I wanted to write about my experiences with sex in our age, and now it is beyond relevant with a predator of a president coming back into term. Observing the responses of social media, I do get to see the communities who are mourning and weeping in this time. Women are starting a movement 1B to reject hookup culture, and i even joked with my friends about my chastity for the next 4 years.
written (10/7/2025)
The game has changed, especially since its inextricably clear that this world is not built for female pleasure, its a miracle to find someone who has not been conditioned into this world with porn and power trips, to have the ability to love truly. I am constantly wishing the families and women across the globe who are and have been generationally abused and sexually assaulted/raped-- my heart belongs to you and i fight for you. I am going to study martial arts, and become strong to protect you. i will dedicate my life to becoming a visual anthropologist to find a way to you and bring your stories and lives and hearts to our big screens and DISMANTLE our watching of irrelevant films when our NEIGHBORS ARE DYING, you are beautiful, you are POWER-- i live this life for you. i love you.
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