Puppet show

  contingent with poem "I wont ask for you to love me" and prior post, Seeking love and Finding disgust. 

Seeking love, finding disgust. (anonymous soul)

 (march 23, 2023)

By no surprise have I learned the wrath of desire, particularly manifested in the men who i have engaged with, the brutal way of being seen as something of their own imagination-- nothing of who you are, do they know to the slightest. The lips they imagine and the thighs they imagine to jack off, its no different if they are yours, they don't think of u as a human being, they think of you as their impeccable imagination granting them a physical stimulation. it is not you they seek, never is it you. everything you are and words you speak questions you ask are all hoops for them to jump through in order to get their dick wet. even if they don't finish or have the stamina, that doesn't matter- its power, and its not yours. 

pardon. excuse my hatred. I can say that this is a manifestation of my cumulative hateful experiences of being used and uncared for. and then the decent ish guys, who try to be decent, end up clumping in with the shit heads cause they just do a hand-full of dushy things to make you feel like you are scum, nothing close to something they would care to comfort or love. 

and here i am (10/14/24) currently crushing on a guy i'm idealizing in my head acting like i'm in love, 

i let myself get lost a week longer. and now i think i'm ready to reign back into reality.

I understand to be loved is to be seen, i just have a hard time accepting how so many are not seen in our world today. How many children are dying from a genocide on the other half of the world we barely even know anything about. 

I look at kids with such an intense envy. they can see briefly without the engrained parameters we eventually learn about society and knowledge and how things function. dreams are open ended. i mean before we start thinking about being a doctor or an astronaut, before you struggle to make friends in school and class- when things were a bit more simpler. where you didn't need to judge someone beside you but see them simply as a soul. someone adrift in this galaxy of a world your just beginning to know. you see them for the being that they are. the innocence of exploring together, looking at a leaf, the veins in it, then the insects lining up along the roots of the tree, an insect climbing up your knee.

I can not get myself to fathom the amount of killing that is going on on the other side of the world right now. (written 10/14/24)

The killing hasn't stopped. (10/7/2025) Its continuously ignored and justified in unfathomable ways. The relation this INCESSANT WAR has to LOVE and DISGUST is the way that our society allows for this type of male to have and own power over the world and it's women (not excluding fluid genders). The phenomenon of pedophilia, rape, and fucking people who are exotic--- its all the same bull shit that came when male dominance and WAR and POWER and SEX and DRUGS began to rule our patriarchal world in hedonism. 

I will write a more referential piece on these thoughts in regard to the male dominating world and oppression of women, but this piece will mostly contain my initial writings after my horrible disgusted experiences with non-loving men on dating apps and off. 

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(around march 2024)

In memory of finding disgust when seeking love, i wrote these pieces as i reflected on my summer experiences of giving myself away to the wrong people: (written 6/21/24 -6/22/24)

I wonder how I exist in your mind. 

How much of me you actually see. 

How much you only want when you feel that certain way. 

Then after your clarity you want nothing left to do with me. 

Like a tissue, use me. 

Kiss me all over

Don't look at me like that if your going to take it all away 

When you get me you turn into a beast ready to devour

Not loving kisses on my neck but the strength and intention of marking me 

Knowing that i will return to sleep with my mom who is waiting for me

Knowing that i will have to cover it 

You must think i wear it proudly 

But i have had to hide this thing you have given me

Not only that but i must resign from the idea of having you ever truly want me for me

Because it was clearly not something you felt

You just needed something to satisfy 

You spoke of retirement and your salary after you had gotten what you wanted out of me, you fulfilled your prophecy of being an absolute asshole. 

>>>>>. 

At least I feel beautiful now. At least I was beautiful enough to you, for you to want me for just the moment

you did. For that I thank you, spitefully and harshly. Thank you for your charity work that you have done

oh so well which i know you are oh so proud of having accomplished the feat of making me feel desirable.

What a difficult thing for you to do, how i am oh so lucky to be loved by you given the fact that i am not

the typical type of beauty, for you are doing me a massive favor. 

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 <--(i called my sister crying and asked her this )

Dont act like you don’t know what youve done.

I guess more so what you didn’t do,

Or simply what you stopped doing- of course only after youve gotten what you wanted

It was never me but my body

It was never my face but the girl

It was never my hands, u just used them to draw me in

You caught me. Successfully. You placed your bait and i was fooled to think you meant something other than it.

Cause every story always ends with a little less attention from you. Like suddenly you become distracted.

Like a child who got what they needed from you and is ready to walk away now and move on to the next thing. 

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Recently i have understood how little i am worth. 

Especially when i allow you to think so little of me. 

How cruel for me to even let you get what you seek. 

(2024)

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Hilarious how much of myself i had to give away to realize how little i matter to people like you

who don't see much more than my body and its ability to be what you need it to be. 

We learn about it but we don't talk about it

That this culture of sex is corruptive and hurtful towards women

That porn is horrible and men are evil 

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(2024)

"I wont ask" -- (Written 2/4/25) 

I want to be in love 

But I wont ask for you to love me 

I like it when you show that you care 

Even if its hidden behind desire to touch another person 

At least its my heat you seek in this moment 

>> I just don’t think it's driven by love it's innately driven by convenience, pleasure, or desire—and i'm accessible and provide immediate gratification

  >>but he's loving it's tender but also it's not clear if that is love or just what you need to do to get what you want: comfort, warmth, another to hold, sex

I won’t ask for you to love me. 

That would be probably the saddest thing I could do.

Its the way it can be derived from the nature of the code: 

>> stay longer

> why? 

>> spend more time together

> why? 

me: to experience you and your thoughts intimately 

you: ?????

>>>> outcome certainties: high desire, sex, condomless, cum injection, reflective conversation, uncertainty in the air, dysfunction, lack of thought telling (me) 

>> come over to game night

> yes! 

>> meet my friends

>>>> outcome certainties: met friends (couples), brought cookies, he bought pizza, his mom gave me champagne, played hide and seek, held hands during the movie, slept with me in the guest bed, came in me

> who am I to you? 

>> what? 

> what do I mean to you?

Of course I cant say this of course time tells but also what do I mean to you? It would help to know your feelings are quite shallow in the scheme of development, and the predictions u have for whether or not its possible to dive and feel more, or if you think you’ll just enjoy the waves at the surface, the wrestling with my movements if that’s what you like. 

I need to know the limits of your love so I can be prepared. 

You want to be with me sometimes at least I know this

but it could not particularly have anything to do with me this need for satisfaction.

it could be me 

disregarding the mutuality? Is there any? Do you think so? 

Did you cum in me because you want to marry me? 

No 

You once said you would just get up and leave 

if I said I wouldn’t have sex unless you marry me first

I don’t think its that unreasonable

but it’s only a joke. 

I want you to have a desire to explore me

I want you to crave me 

I want you to miss me 

I want you to value my existence

But I won’t ask. For who am I to teach such a thing— love?

( 10/7/2025) This poem i actually was so fed up, i just sat him down and read this poem to him. and he was like a deer in headlights, it was BLATANTLY clear he had not a single inkling of such wrongdoings on his end, he seemed as though he couldn't fathom this thought process even existing till i went ahead and read him such a grotesque and frankly sad poem. 

he only paid half for the plan b, and i had to ask and say please. so not earnest. 

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written (10/14/24) 

As woman and as an aspiring 'anthropologist' I wanted to write about my experiences with sex in our age, and now it is beyond relevant with a predator of a president coming back into term. Observing the responses of social media, I do get to see the communities who are mourning and weeping in this time. Women are starting a movement 1B to reject hookup culture, and i even joked with my friends about my chastity for the next 4 years. 

written (10/7/2025)  

The game has changed, especially since its inextricably clear that this world is not built for female pleasure, its a miracle to find someone who has not been conditioned into this world with porn and power trips, to have the ability to love truly.  I am constantly wishing the families and women across the globe who are and have been generationally abused and sexually assaulted/raped-- my heart belongs to you and i fight for you. I am going to study martial arts, and become strong to protect you. i will dedicate my life to becoming a visual anthropologist to find a way to you and bring your stories and lives and hearts to our big screens and DISMANTLE our watching of irrelevant films when our NEIGHBORS ARE DYING, you are beautiful, you are POWER-- i live this life for you. i love you. 

A Personal Journey of Transformation: Through Art and the Invisible-- By Victoria

    I want to use this opportunity to reflect on the transformative experience I have had as a

result of this class, Art-Cure: Mental Pain and Aesthetic Experience, in hopes that I continue to

explore this realm of anthropological perspectives that resonate with me. The films, readings,

and lectures have had a significant impact on my understanding of art and myself in terms of my

own trauma and healing. Being introduced to concepts of the invisible has been transformative

for me because I have found a new way of thinking and writing about these phenomena that had

often been dismissed in my life, such as dreams having meaning, art as a way to heal, and

correlations between mental illness and the invisible. Concepts surrounding how people who live

in constant war find ways to heal from their own traumatic experiences brought into being ways

to heal my own trauma. I do feel there is a connection between all these readings, films, and

lectures, which is that there is some sort of common ground when it comes to dreaming, mental

illness, and the place of healing accessible through that act of making through the labor and

process of transformation of material and the soul.

    Prior to this class, I had not yet heard the term “the invisible” used to talk about things

beyond the material world we live in. I had always felt there had to be some kind of connection

between humans and also the universe but had no way of explaining it. Learning this term has

given me peace in knowing that intuitive feelings are much more than imaginary, whimsical

things that have no scholarly or defendable substance; they are real, and I can learn to access

realms of healing and transformation by practicing the ritual of making. The terms “image

maker” and “artisan” have also given me inspiration because that is the way I have always loved

to make art, not necessarily to accomplish anything but just because I feel full of love when I do

it, and that feels healing for my soul. Thinking about creating art for the soul has helped me to

understand the act of making as more than just something that makes me feel good, but as a

powerful tool to transform the trauma and pain I have carried for a long time. With the terms and

concepts learned and being given space to think and talk about the invisible, I am no longer

limited to imagining it alone in my head and now have a language for how I experience life. I

feel I have found a collective community, although not necessarily physical but “metaphysical,”

that acknowledges the invisible world and the body’s ability to access the invisible while living

in a body in the physical world through our senses, soul, consciousness, unconsciousness, and

art.

    Art as creative labor through the process of transforming material and the soul to access

healing points has been emphasized in many of our readings by individuals living under various

difficult circumstances, time periods, and geographical regions. This has given me a deeper

understanding of what may be happening during the act of creation and why it is healing. An

essential aspect of making that resonated with me was the emphasis on repetition of making.

Abounaddara's The Imagemaker helped me understand creative labor, trauma, and

transformation concepts. This was a turning point for me in my journey of healing. Through

Abou Diab’s work processes, the film visualized the physical act of creating art and the

correlation between making and accessing spiritual dimensions of transformation. The chaotic

yet peaceful and fractured visual experience immersed me in a profound visual portrayal of

carrying trauma and the repeated cycles of destruction and renewal. This was a cycle I had long

identified with, and understanding how making art can be a tool for healing has allowed me to be

able to let that cycle end and let the previous version of how I carried my trauma go.

After watching The Imagemaker, I felt inspired to paint again as I found a new art-making

purpose. Although I have loved making art all my life, I have experienced periods where I feel

my creativity and spirit die a bit, usually accompanied by a depressive episode. Through

exploring ideas of making art as a ritual for healing, I have transformed the trigger of making art

from a painful memory to something I could use to transform the same painful memories

preventing my creativity. If I must try to explain why this happened to me, I would say for the

first time, I had a proper understanding that even the most painful and traumatic memories can

be transformed. The booklet essays from The Ruins We Carry exhibit provided me a text to

understand this phenomenon intellectually. 

    Particularly this explanation of materials as a form of spiritual transformation in your essay, The Way of Images:

“Matter, that is, the reality of this world, with its pain and injustice, its violence and wars, but also 

its passions and history. “Sublimation” should be taken as much in a spiritual sense as in the chemical

sense transforming matter into gas: a “change of state”. For sublimation, as intended in this artwork, and

more in general as practiced in Abounaddara’s image-making, is the event of a transfiguration, a change

of state, when concrete bodies, and the bodies of images are transfigured by the spiritual realities that take

shape in them, revealing a desire that animates them.” (Pandolfo, 20)

    This quote beautifully explains the process of how the transformation of one's trauma is possible

through the repetitive transformation of materials and gives me a clear understanding of how I

can apply this in my own art. As I have begun painting again, this new approach to making art

allows my unconscious self to flow through and guide me in what to create. This has felt like I

have gained ownership and simultaneously surrendered to the undeniable connection between

myself and the invisible, allowing me to access that space of healing that is created by the act of

repeated making with our hands.

    The act of creating art as a ritual process for healing has allowed me to feel through my

pain and find love for myself and some peace in the trauma I carry. The readings, films, lectures,

and creating art with this knowledge have given me peace with feelings that once felt like an

attack on my soul. This peace did not come easily, and I had to battle with myself, going back

and forth between feelings of embrace for this change as well as feelings of fear and apprehension 

about the fact that what I had carried around for so long was going to change. I felt it meant 

I was letting Julian go if I allowed his change, and my heart has struggled deeply with the

thought of what it means to “let him go” as if doing so meant I had to let go of my love for

him. I felt that if I let my feelings of grief change, it meant that I would be letting go of Julian

and my love for him. Separating myself from the feelings of the pain was not something I wanted

to do, nor was I ready for it. I realize now that my feelings of pain and sadness are more than just

valid but the very thing that's going to help me heal. Through his ritual practice, I can lean into

that pain and fear rather than wince at the thought of it. A better understanding of the connection

between myself and the universe has allowed me to represent it through my art which allows me

to explore, understand, and transform myself and heal. Now that I'm allowing myself to sit and

try to understand this pain, I see it and feel it as love . Although parts of my heart feel broken, I

feel the immense love I feel for Julian comfort me, and I can only hope he feels this love, I think

he does. My traumatic memories are now held by this love, and they can exist together within

me.

    Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams helped me to understand the link between making art,

dreams, and mental illness. Freud mentions that sleep and dreaming should be viewed separately

as dreams are physiological and sleep is physiological. Freud breaks his study into sections: The

Relation of Dreams to Waking Life, The Material of Dreams & Memory in Dreams, The Stimuli

and Sources of Dreams, The distinguishing Characteristics of Dreams, and Dreams and mental

diseases. This chapter showed me a connection between my own experiences with caring for

someone with mental illness, dreaming, and making art as a healing ritual. Freud claims, “The

madman is a waking dreamer..insanity is a dream dreamt while the senses are awake... dreaming

can be described and brief madness and madness as a long dream, a dream-life induced not by

sleep but by illness.”(Freud, 122) I found this particularly interesting in view of the fact that

when I experienced my ex-boyfriend, Julian, becoming mentally ill, it seemed to me as if, at

times during his illness, his brain was dreaming, but his body was awake and acting it out, a

bunch of scrambled thoughts blending reality and delusion with no chronological order or

self-consciousness, switching between irrelevant subjects, and lack of moral consciousness. It

seemed as if his mind was throwing out several random ideas from different points in his life,

taking bits and pieces of many memories, mixing them, and producing a reality filled with

jumbled memories in time mixed with events that never happened in real life, accompanied with

an extreme roller coaster of a range of uncontrolled emotions from fear, anger, and sadness to

humor. Since I had known Julian for so many years, I knew most of what these things he was

referring to were and could tell that it was memories scrambled together mixed with complete

delusion. I see my dreams as similar to this, a bunch of scrambled bits of memories mixed with

things that don't make sense or are not decipherable in our waking life. The unconscious mind

rapidly switches content, but the conscious mind doesn't seem the least bit surprised by this.

Spitta also gives insight into this link between mental illness and dreams on the basis that:

“1) self-consciousness is suspended resulting from lack of insight into the nature of the

condition, which results in inability to feel surprised and loss of moral consciousness. 2)

Perceptions by the sense organs is modified: diminished in dreams but greatly increased in

insanity. 3) Inter-connection of ideas occurs exclusively according to laws of association and

reproduction (the brain can’t tell that this doesn’t make sense in waking life, and these ideas from

dreams then become believed in waking life,the patient unable to decipher between dreaming and

being awake so they intertwine) thus the ideas fall into random sequence, and there is a

consequent lack of proportion in the relation between ideas (delusions). 4) This is what all this

leads to: an alteration or, in some cases a reversal of personality and occasionally character

traits.” (Freud, 122)

    I wonder if this could be useful to help improve the content of delusions in patients with mental

illness. Studying this idea of a link between dreams and psychosis/ mental illness may help

patients who experience violent and disturbing delusions by changing the content of the dreams

therefore changing the content of their delusions. It seems in both dreams and mental illness, the

psyche breaks into two, and the conscious self gets pulled away from control of the body while

the unconscious self comes forward completely unaware of how to interact with the material,

conscious world or to make any sensible connection. Freud concluded there is an undeniable link

between dreams and mental illness, and this is the “Most powerful prop of the medical theory of

dreamlife.”(Freud, 124) In considering that as humans, we experience dreams, have souls,

possess the ability to transcend between conscious & unconscious states, and experience mental

illness, it makes sense that by making art through this ritual process and in dreaming, there is a

place for healing.

    I am forever grateful for the space you have created with this class. It has transcended

me to a place where I have begun to transcend into my new self and transform my trauma. In my

interpretation of the ritual of healing through art and the painting I made for this project, I have

felt a change and rebirth in the way I carry my trauma. For this painting, I wanted to create some

sort of self-portrait of how I experience life from the perspective of my conscious and

unconscious mind and my soul, practicing what I have learned about healing through art. The

course materials have given me insight into experiences I have had concerning the connection

between myself and the universe. I tried to focus on allowing myself to surrender control,

judgment and expectations for myself when making this painting and to allow myself to be in a

space of transformation and healing in my unconscious connection. I wanted to let my intuition

guide me in this creation, so I only planned out the form of my body in yellow and let the rest

“come to me”. I wanted to explore making art with the new knowledge I had, that this creativity

and imagination was coming from nowhere but from my connection with the universe. I thought

it'd be especially interesting to try this method to create a visual interpretation of my soul. I

worked with the colors I had on hand and mixed them to create colors that felt right and a

composition that felt naturally balanced. I only worked when I was feeling creative and stopped

when I stopped feeling the colors and composition coming to me. A quote from a movie called

The Science of Sleep explains this: "Randomness is very difficult to achieve. Organization

always merges back if you do not pay attention”. I attributed the feeling of no longer having the

creativity flowing to me starting to paint more with my conscious mind, such as beginning to

think about colors and placement, and since that is not the purpose of this painting, I only painted

while I felt I was able to access that place of my unconscious mind. The result is a visual

representation of my soul, conscious and unconscious mind, and relentless belief in love and

healing. What I feel was created is how I feel my energy source radiating between my head and

my heart. I feel myself as having my own individual experience while at the same time being

connected to an infinite universe of experiences. This ritual of making has given me back the

feelings of love and happiness that I feel about Julian when I think of him. This change in my

trauma has brought back my love for myself, life, and for creating art. As I transcend into this

new form of myself, I walk hand in hand with the past versions of myself who were never quite

sure but always hoped this transformation would come. This new feeling in the way I carry this

trauma has given me hope for my future, and I feel myself growing into a new form of myself

which I have not yet experienced and am excited to meet.

Excerpts from Art/Cure: Mental Pain and Aesthetic Experience. By Michelle

—my ḥāla—

The unconscious is accessed by seeing without the eyes. In the dream state, or the unconscious, there is a collapse of opposites, a removal of concepts and non concepts, allowing for “true dialogue.” From there, an impulse to express inner ideas and emotions emerges, with the creation’s medium or image acting as a bridge to the unconsciousness. Art gives recognition for the immense capability of individual creative insight as a means of healing their relationship with worldly and other-worldly (metaphysical and spiritual) "objects/nouns" and "non-objects" (including emotions, dreams, visions, auditory, visual, touch, taste . . . sensory "matter"), as well as the individual’s mending and understanding of their relationship with self, and beyond self. Within many different religions, there is the universal concept of a creator of higher power. If creation is fundamental to this higher power, then what are we to do but just that? Individually, we are constantly world making, creating our environment with our thoughts and perceptions, in what we allow ourselves to see or think. 

There was a time where I was detached, watching myself experience life. I collected from my experiences, documenting and creating images, internally desperate to feel like I could grasp my consciousness. 

Art is involuntarily born out of a dramatic force. In the restless urge to create, necessity itself becomes clear. 

Dreams and the unconscious connect us to questions we can't really express. It is possible to take on another kind of thinking, where something weaves itself into the psyche, and in thinking through images, one can come to realize pain in relation to something that answers and inspires. Something impossible becomes possible through the unconscious. A change of state occurs.

Being between conscious and unconscious, in two realities, I could see what I could not before, but not with the eyes. 

When conscious there is a separation between the rational and emotional. The rational is put more on a pedestal, validated as more objective and accurate. On the contrary, it is harder to prove and express the emotional side of being human.

In this unconsciousness there is a collapsing of concepts, allowing the contact of contradictions and idas otherwise unnoticed. Dreams and the unconscious can never be interpreted completely, and in this other kind of reality, they can mean more than we can understand.

“True dialogue,” allows different perspectives to interact, without being forced into a binary or singular viewpoint. This way of thinking is accessed in between consciousness. 

We may be more than one person, and through experiences in the unconscious we are given access to different deeper concealed parts of ourselves which manifests there. When we wake up from a dream we are not the same person (Freud), and in dreams we see something that gives us a message. 

“Dreaming is not ‘another way of experiencing another world,’ but ‘the radical way of experiencing one’s own world’” (Foucault) because when dreaming you are unconscious the mind is able to be free and radical, uninhibited by the conscious self.

From creation, I was doing an act of my own world building.

A soul can struggle, but also show potential for growth and new awareness. Secrets can be expressed but not explained, not everything needs or can have a definite explanation. 

In this disillusionment, reality is kept together and reconstructed through images. Destruction of a world can free a creative impulse. “Reason” itself can be destroyed and reconstructed in meaning. 

I expanded my own universe.

I disintegrated and created my new reality. 

In imagining the world otherwise, I accepted images which were once delusional as true, and my universe was recreated.

[Open Mic]: In what ways are you alive and human

 //THE ART OF FEELING, EMBODYING, EXPRESSING-- THROUGH PERFORMANCE- THROUGH STORYTELLING. 

>>i've been thinking about the feeling of relief and comfort granted by someone sharing their soul, wholeheartedly creating sound that evokes emotion- allowing us to feel with them too. 

>>Such a high level of intentionality comes with "performance" you must EMBODY your soul to let it be known. You RESPECT your ideas, thoughts, and feelings- and express it IN A WAY THAT YOU FEEL MOST ENCAPSULATES YOUR SOUL. 

>>Can you take yourself seriously enough to share your mistakes and value your thoughts? We don't seek perfection, we want to see in what ways are you alive and human.